When I was a child growing up in Northeast Tennessee, only two films had the audacity to make me cry. (Don’t worry. This isn’t some diatribe about masculinity [Believe me. I’m a rather delicate flower {My hands are so soft. Super baby soft <It actually startles people to feel my hands>}]). The first was the southern classic, Fried Green Tomatoes. The tears in question occurred during a scene when Kathy Bates arrives at the old folks home only to see two nurses removing a collection of pictures that previously belonged to the former tenant of the room. Kathy Bates began yelling “No! These aren’t yours! These are hers!” not knowing that the aforementioned old lady tenant was still alive. This, with a grandmother dying of breast cancer at the time, was too much for my childhood brain to handle (Calm down. This isn’t gonna be a sad story. Mamaw’s dead now. I’m ok with it. I’ve moved on. And now, so are we.).
The second film that made me cry was that seminal hit, that giant of cinematic glory, that colossus of film history, that paragon of box office wonder……“Win a Date with Tad Hamilton.” In that film (which is an obvious and unabashed rip off of Bye Bye Birdie), Gary Cole is having a conversation with Topher Grace about how his daughter, the love of Topher’s life, has run off to Cal-i-forn-i-A to be with the super mega ultra movie star, Tad Hamilton (played by the always likeable Josh Duhamel). Gary Cole, the wise sage that he is, proceeds to tell the always unlikeable Topher Grace that “sometimes….Goliath kicks the shit out of David. It’s just that nobody bothers to tell that story.” Again, due to emotional circumstances out of my control, this particular line struck a nerve with me. The fact that sometimes, no matter how much you want a dream to come true, no matter how much you work at something….it just may not ever work out for you. Even recent political events show this to be true. The fairytale journey of Bernie Sanders for the Democratic nomination for President was cut short and stamped out by the much larger, better funded establishment candidate, Hillary Clinton. “Goliath kicks the shit out of David…it’s just that nobody bothers to tell that story.” Damn, mid 2000’s by the numbers romantic comedy! Droppin the realness on people!
BUT I’M HERE TODAY TO REGALE YOU WITH AN INSTANCE WHEN SOMEONE BOTHERED TO TELL THE STORY OF A TIME WHEN GOLIATH KICKED THE SHIT OUT OF DAVID!......and it was in a children’s movie no less. And that movie…was the Academy award winning 1996 Disney classic, The Lion King.
Let it be known that I love Disney. No…..I love it. Perhaps too much. The first film that I ever watched in theaters was the 1987 rerelease of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. There are pictures of me with all of the costumed characters inside of the Disney theme parks. And these pictures aren’t of me as a child. Nay Nay….these pictures are from ten months ago. This is important information. I need you all to know how much I love Disney. I love Disney very deeply. I genuinely do think that Disney World is MY happiest place on earth. I need you all to understand this for one simple reason:
The Lion King…..is bullshit.
The Lion King is a beautiful movie. I mean…yes, it’s basically Hamlet…with lions…and with Elton John crooning while a warthog and meerkat spy on their buddy having sex.
But the “villain” of The Lion King is who?
A lion named Scar.
But that’s not his name.
That isn’t the name that particular lion was given at birth.
That’s the name GIVEN to a lion that suffered a particularly sad and disfiguring tragedy.
But that fact doesn’t stop every. single. lion. at Pride Rock from calling him “Scar” to his mutilated face.
Simba, that spoiled shitty lion cub brat, calls out his uncle…HIS UNCLE! about his deformity…TO HIS FACE! HIS UNCLE! TO HIS FACE! TO HIS MAIMED FACE! HIS UNCLE!
That’s not his birth name, Johnathon Taylor Thomas! You dick.
The animators that made the film went to Africa and learned Swahili and various tribal languages while they were in the process of making the film (cuz Disney don’t half ass SHIT!). By learning those languages, the filmmakers were able to give some of the characters BEAUTIFUL names. Simba, in Swahili, means “lion.” Mufasa means “king.” Nala means “gift.” Rifiki? “Friend” One of the three henchmen hyenas goes by the name of “Shinzi” That’s Swahili for “savage!” How awesome and bad ass is that?!
Nope.
……..Scar.
Even the mentally handicapped hyena got a real name! His name was Ed (which, in retrospect, could possibly be short for special ed [which…if that’s true….dick move, Disney…..dick move]). But people would have been super offended if everyone had called Ed “Drooly Tongue,” so why oh why, is Scar ok?
And it’s a deeper issue than that. If one were to dig into the backstory of The Lion King….say…one without the ability to get a date on a Friday or Saturday night….say….one like myself….one would find that Scar was NOT, in fact, his birth name. His birth name….was “Taka.1”
Taka….is Swahili……for GARBAGE!
GARBAGE!
His parents, literally, named him TRASH! They named his brother “king,” and named him “trash!” He came out of the lion womb being called a black furred piece of shit.
Scar /Taka is David and Mufasa and his stupid shithead Home Improvement son are Goliath! Scar was picked on and shat upon for his entire life. In any other Disney story, Mufasa is the villain. If The Lion King was Beauty and the Beast, Mufasa would be Gaston. The big brawny character that everyone in town loves (Or well…not really a town…but everywhere that the light touches. Everywhere except for that shadowy place. That’s beyond our borders, and we must never go there).
The entire story of nearly every single Disney movie is that it’s OK to be different! Because, one day, you’ll find where you’re supposed to be. Nearly every Disney hero or heroine sings a song about this! For Hercules, it’s “Go The Distance.” For Ariel, it’s “Part of Your World.” Belle from Beauty and the Beast is different in the sense that she’s apparently the only person in the entirety of France that can read a book. And she’s constantly beset upon by a bunch of illiterate dickheads in that small provincial town. That is, until, she makes her way to the Beast’s magical castle. A castle that is full of interesting characters that shatter normalcy. There’s everything in that castle! There’s a talking tea pot! There’s a gay clock! There’s a bisexual candlestick that has sex with lady brooms……and also definitely has sex with that gay clock!
I have an older brother. AND! let it be known that I STILL have an older brother. I, by no means, am saying that it’s acceptable to commit fratricide……or in this case, fratricide AND regicide. But Taka was insulted for LITERALLY his entire life. I mean, sure, Mufasa was voiced by James Earl Jones…that kindly old blind fellow that owned the junk yard in The Sandlot, but that doesn’t excuse him from being a dick! So…I guess the moral to this particular Disney film is that, if you’re a giant dick, your brother will coordinate a bunch of goose stepping Nazi hyenas and orchestrate a wildebeest stampede to kill you. Not that I’d trample my brother to death with wildebeests, but, then again, Hunter doesn’t mean “fucking worthless piece of zebra shit” in Swahili.
1. This is a piece of Disney trivia that isn’t considered “canon.” Scar’s name was revealed in “A Tale of Two Brothers” published by Grolier Books. To some people, this is a heavy point of contention. I, however, don’t care.
The second film that made me cry was that seminal hit, that giant of cinematic glory, that colossus of film history, that paragon of box office wonder……“Win a Date with Tad Hamilton.” In that film (which is an obvious and unabashed rip off of Bye Bye Birdie), Gary Cole is having a conversation with Topher Grace about how his daughter, the love of Topher’s life, has run off to Cal-i-forn-i-A to be with the super mega ultra movie star, Tad Hamilton (played by the always likeable Josh Duhamel). Gary Cole, the wise sage that he is, proceeds to tell the always unlikeable Topher Grace that “sometimes….Goliath kicks the shit out of David. It’s just that nobody bothers to tell that story.” Again, due to emotional circumstances out of my control, this particular line struck a nerve with me. The fact that sometimes, no matter how much you want a dream to come true, no matter how much you work at something….it just may not ever work out for you. Even recent political events show this to be true. The fairytale journey of Bernie Sanders for the Democratic nomination for President was cut short and stamped out by the much larger, better funded establishment candidate, Hillary Clinton. “Goliath kicks the shit out of David…it’s just that nobody bothers to tell that story.” Damn, mid 2000’s by the numbers romantic comedy! Droppin the realness on people!
BUT I’M HERE TODAY TO REGALE YOU WITH AN INSTANCE WHEN SOMEONE BOTHERED TO TELL THE STORY OF A TIME WHEN GOLIATH KICKED THE SHIT OUT OF DAVID!......and it was in a children’s movie no less. And that movie…was the Academy award winning 1996 Disney classic, The Lion King.
Let it be known that I love Disney. No…..I love it. Perhaps too much. The first film that I ever watched in theaters was the 1987 rerelease of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. There are pictures of me with all of the costumed characters inside of the Disney theme parks. And these pictures aren’t of me as a child. Nay Nay….these pictures are from ten months ago. This is important information. I need you all to know how much I love Disney. I love Disney very deeply. I genuinely do think that Disney World is MY happiest place on earth. I need you all to understand this for one simple reason:
The Lion King…..is bullshit.
The Lion King is a beautiful movie. I mean…yes, it’s basically Hamlet…with lions…and with Elton John crooning while a warthog and meerkat spy on their buddy having sex.
But the “villain” of The Lion King is who?
A lion named Scar.
But that’s not his name.
That isn’t the name that particular lion was given at birth.
That’s the name GIVEN to a lion that suffered a particularly sad and disfiguring tragedy.
But that fact doesn’t stop every. single. lion. at Pride Rock from calling him “Scar” to his mutilated face.
Simba, that spoiled shitty lion cub brat, calls out his uncle…HIS UNCLE! about his deformity…TO HIS FACE! HIS UNCLE! TO HIS FACE! TO HIS MAIMED FACE! HIS UNCLE!
That’s not his birth name, Johnathon Taylor Thomas! You dick.
The animators that made the film went to Africa and learned Swahili and various tribal languages while they were in the process of making the film (cuz Disney don’t half ass SHIT!). By learning those languages, the filmmakers were able to give some of the characters BEAUTIFUL names. Simba, in Swahili, means “lion.” Mufasa means “king.” Nala means “gift.” Rifiki? “Friend” One of the three henchmen hyenas goes by the name of “Shinzi” That’s Swahili for “savage!” How awesome and bad ass is that?!
Nope.
……..Scar.
Even the mentally handicapped hyena got a real name! His name was Ed (which, in retrospect, could possibly be short for special ed [which…if that’s true….dick move, Disney…..dick move]). But people would have been super offended if everyone had called Ed “Drooly Tongue,” so why oh why, is Scar ok?
And it’s a deeper issue than that. If one were to dig into the backstory of The Lion King….say…one without the ability to get a date on a Friday or Saturday night….say….one like myself….one would find that Scar was NOT, in fact, his birth name. His birth name….was “Taka.1”
Taka….is Swahili……for GARBAGE!
GARBAGE!
His parents, literally, named him TRASH! They named his brother “king,” and named him “trash!” He came out of the lion womb being called a black furred piece of shit.
Scar /Taka is David and Mufasa and his stupid shithead Home Improvement son are Goliath! Scar was picked on and shat upon for his entire life. In any other Disney story, Mufasa is the villain. If The Lion King was Beauty and the Beast, Mufasa would be Gaston. The big brawny character that everyone in town loves (Or well…not really a town…but everywhere that the light touches. Everywhere except for that shadowy place. That’s beyond our borders, and we must never go there).
The entire story of nearly every single Disney movie is that it’s OK to be different! Because, one day, you’ll find where you’re supposed to be. Nearly every Disney hero or heroine sings a song about this! For Hercules, it’s “Go The Distance.” For Ariel, it’s “Part of Your World.” Belle from Beauty and the Beast is different in the sense that she’s apparently the only person in the entirety of France that can read a book. And she’s constantly beset upon by a bunch of illiterate dickheads in that small provincial town. That is, until, she makes her way to the Beast’s magical castle. A castle that is full of interesting characters that shatter normalcy. There’s everything in that castle! There’s a talking tea pot! There’s a gay clock! There’s a bisexual candlestick that has sex with lady brooms……and also definitely has sex with that gay clock!
I have an older brother. AND! let it be known that I STILL have an older brother. I, by no means, am saying that it’s acceptable to commit fratricide……or in this case, fratricide AND regicide. But Taka was insulted for LITERALLY his entire life. I mean, sure, Mufasa was voiced by James Earl Jones…that kindly old blind fellow that owned the junk yard in The Sandlot, but that doesn’t excuse him from being a dick! So…I guess the moral to this particular Disney film is that, if you’re a giant dick, your brother will coordinate a bunch of goose stepping Nazi hyenas and orchestrate a wildebeest stampede to kill you. Not that I’d trample my brother to death with wildebeests, but, then again, Hunter doesn’t mean “fucking worthless piece of zebra shit” in Swahili.
1. This is a piece of Disney trivia that isn’t considered “canon.” Scar’s name was revealed in “A Tale of Two Brothers” published by Grolier Books. To some people, this is a heavy point of contention. I, however, don’t care.